Firstly, it is important that we do not put ourselves ‘in a box’, give ourselves a label or, in any way, limit our abilities (or even prevent ourselves from taking a particular course of action) due to past experience, the opinions of others or a perceived personality or trait. That being said, for the sake of brevity, going forward we will adopt the term ‘introvert’ for those who resonate with any or all of the points below.

Side-note: I highly recommend the book Personality Isn’t Permanent by Benjamin Hardy; a great addition to any self-help junkie’s library, which addresses the fact that our decisions shape our personality, not genetics or some other external factor outside of our control.

For as long as we can remember, we have functioned best in smaller (familiar) crowds or on our own. In fact, we often find ourselves feeling acutely aware of ourselves in the presence of others (especially those we find attractive or believe hold a position of authority above our own); judging ourselves for what we might do or say at any given moment, overthinking about how others must be perceiving us right now, playing out every negative scenario in our head – every unfavorable experience we can think of — and then immediately becoming awkward and shutting down. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy that further ingrains our belief of personal inadequacy, destroys our confidence and depletes our energy whenever we find ourselves interacting with other human beings.

Side-note: I highly recommend the book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson, specifically the chapter where he discusses the Feedback Loop from Hell and the irony of how our negative emotions, left unchecked, often cause a cascade of further negative emotions merely because of our inability to properly process, deal with and accept those original negative emotions.  

An extension of the point above, long periods (which duration is different for different people) in the company of others usually has the effect of depleting (rather than increasing) our energy levels; especially in instances where we experience any sort of conflict, confrontation, insult, slight or embarrassment. We much prefer bouts of contact followed by extended periods of isolation to replenish our energy stores. 

Side-note: depending on the person, being isolated for too long can often lead to depression accompanied by a sustained low-energy, so, although we like being alone, we also find that we need the human interaction from time-to-time. 

Have you ever been in a situation where you have a solution to a particular problem, want to express an opinion, wish to share information or ought to take a particular course of action, yet hesitate? And, in that hesitation, you feel a switch flip? This is the unfortunate moment at which the floodgates of ‘worst-case-scenarios’ open in our minds; self-doubt creeps in, our insecurities flare up and our energy and motivation disappear. So, instead of speaking up or taking action, the stream of overwhelming information coursing through our brain convinces us otherwise and we allow the noise of our insecure mind to drown out the part of us which is desperate to just be heard.

Ah, the classic case of perfectionism. The best excuse for dreamers who do nothing; the procrastinator’s copout. We often have the grandest of plans; imagining, fantasizing and picturing ourselves doing the most fantastical things. And some of these things we could do and should pursue, however our expectations of ourselves hold us back. Sometimes we go as far as thinking about this thing all the time. We write it in our dream journal, we research everyone else making it their reality and sometimes we even dip our toes in the water. But we never seem to make progress or we just plain give up.

The glue holding the previous 5 points together. I believe, that if you resonate with any of the above, it ultimately comes down to this aspect of yourself right here. Somewhere along the line we let the world influence the thoughts and opinions we hold, the choices we make and the actions we take to such an extent that it has essentially paralyzed us, crippled our spirit and destroyed our ability to trust in our own reasoning and properly assert ourselves in any given situation.

We have let ourselves become doormats to be walked all over, fail to stand up for ourselves when we are being knocked down and elect to keep quiet when we have something to say. 

Why? 

Because of fear.

The fear that we might say or do something that someone else disagrees with or the fear that we might express an opinion that someone else finds offensive or the fear that we might share information that is incorrect or in some way, shape or form exposes us as ‘the fool we actually are‘.

People-pleasing is so much more destructive than we think. It is a big topic that will be covered often precisely because it is so pervasive, invasive and insidious. It can cause a ripple-effect of destruction throughout every facet of our lives and should not be dismissed or taken lightly.