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Do you ever have one of those days when you just feel – and I believe there’s no better way to phrase this – like complete and utter shit?
I know I do!
So, what do we do on those days we feel down in the dumps; depressed; like everything we do is just wrong; like we’re useless and stupid and worthless; like we’re the laughingstock of everyone we know?
In this article, I discuss my thought process when dealing with these negative feelings.
Ugh
At the time of writing this, I just feel positively awful; my energy is low, conversing with others is an anxiety-inducing chore, my heart rate becomes elevated if I even think about interacting with people, I’ve been making small – but stupid – mistakes all day and I can’t seem to concentrate on what I need to do.
So, I thought now might be a good time to get to writing and put an article out there to help others who may be going through the same thing.
Here, what I’m talking about is those times when the internal voice inside your head is making you think poorly about yourself and, in turn, you start to believe that others think this way about you too. You start to doubt your own worth and abilities, leading you to feel insecure and self-conscious about everything you do.
You slip into this spiral – “a feedback loop from hell”, as Mark Manson puts it – where the more you integrate what the voice is telling you about yourself, then the more you feel bad about yourself. And, the more shit you feel about yourself, then the more your energy depletes. And, the less energy you have and the less enthusiasm and joy you exude, then the more likely it will feel as though the world shares this negative perception of you.
It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy… because the only reason your doubts about yourself are being ‘confirmed’ is because you’ve already focussed your attention there. You are actively seeking out confirmation, and others may simply be reacting to your energy in their estimation of you in that moment.
So, yeah, it’s a bit of a fuck-up, but there are a few things you can try.
You Are Amazing
Are you able to appreciate how awesome you are?
I know this sounds cheesy, but there really is only one of you in this world.
Not to mention that, although you don’t much think highly of yourself right now, there are people in your life – and even people in this world you haven’t met yet – who find you smart, attractive, kind, funny, (insert your favourite positive adjective here), and they love you very much.
I bet you try your best, too. You don’t wake up in the morning thinking to yourself, “well, I hope I perform horribly as a person today”. You get up, and you want to achieve greatness, even if greatness feels like an entire universe out of the realm of possibilities.
You see, most of us have a complete blindspot when it comes to ourselves. The way we perceive ourselves, and regard our estimation in the eyes of the world, is incredibly flawed. We are harder on ourselves than anyone else because we’re evolutionarily wired to try to correct any shortcomings we may have, in order to give ourselves the best chances of survival.
Sure, this manifests in different ways for everyone, and it’s likely you are the type of person who puts excessive pressure on yourself.
I’m telling you right here and now that this habit – of putting yourself down – is hurting you more than it is helping you. So, why not live your life as though you were the best shit ever for once? Because, like it or not, you are amazing!
You Are Allowed to Feel This Way
What tends to make this experience a whole lot worse is that we don’t just have one voice in our heads.
I honestly believe that we all suffer from a mild case of schizophrenia.
There is that one voice telling us that we are broken beyond repair and should just give up, another one telling us that we are useless because we aren’t doing enough to improve our situation, another one beating us up for feeling like crap because of the other voices, and yet another voice adding guilt and shame regarding ‘what we’ve done (in the past)’ as well as ‘who we are (as a person)’.
It’s overwhelming because all these negative voices seemingly show up at once and then team up against us. Not only do the feelings compound, but our feelings about the feelings exacerbate the situation even more.
Breathe!
Know that it is fine to feel this mix of emotions. Everyone does at some time or another.
So, the best thing to do first is remove the guilt, shame, and negativity regarding your feelings of guilt, shame, and negativity. If you can just convince yourself that it is okay to possess these negative feelings about yourself, it will make it a lot easier to start addressing the reasons why you feel this way and attempt to resolve the sources of anxiety and stress.
Take 10 minutes to meditate and clear your head, then repeat to yourself (over and over until you have integrated the message), “it is okay to feel this way!”
Perfection is Impossible, and Mistakes Are Okay!
You are too hard on yourself!
Yes, I know, I’ve said this a million times already.
But, do you know why? Because I have a sneaky suspicion that it all comes down to two things – which are pretty much the opposite sides of the same coin:
- You genuinely believe (even if subconsciously) that you have to be perfect; in all situations and at all times.
- You genuinely believe (even if subconsciously) that mistakes are unforgivable; that you aren’t allowed to fuck up.
Unfortunately – or, fortunately, depending on your perspective – nobody is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes.
I’m sorry to break it to you, cupcake, but you ain’t that special on this one.
Nobody should be holding you to this high standard that you’ve set for yourself. And, if they are, fuck ‘em! You best believe they aren’t hitting the mark either.
I often used to say, “your best is not enough; you gotta do whatever it takes!”
This seems motivational on the surface, but it is actually a toxic attitude. Why put so much unnecessary pressure on yourself?
Think about it! If ‘whatever it takes’ is clearly more than ‘the best you got’, how on earth are you going to feel when you fall drastically short of a target you – or really anyone in your position – would never be able to meet.
Absolutely, strive to be better than before. Compete against yourself in an effort to achieve the goals that are meaningful and possible. But, when we start to place unreasonable expectations on ourselves, this is when we’ve set ourselves up to fail.
And, when we inevitably do fail, not only are we not perfect, and not only have we made mistakes, but we are now also the worst possible version of ourselves we can imagine.
All we can do is try our best. Asking for anything more than that is basically an open invitation to all the voices in our head that are more than happy to drag us down to hell.
So, abandon this illusion of perfection. Go out there, learn, grow, make mistakes, take a break, get back up, try again and keep striving to become the best version of yourself (knowing full well you will never get there, but will always be a step closer than you were the day before).
Sit in it For a While
Give yourself 15 to 30 minutes to just be present with these feelings.
Think about why you feel the way you do.
Ask yourself if this is a productive use of your time.
Have a rational conversation with the voices inside your head that are telling you what a horrible person you are.
What exactly are they saying to you?
Just as we ought to be assertive with anyone who would be rude enough to say to you what you tell yourself (seemingly) all the time, you need to stand up for yourself by standing up to yourself.
It will seem strange at first, but by working your way through these feelings, instead of trying to ignore them – and, thus, ultimately subconsciously integrating them as undeniable truths about yourself – listen to them and, most importantly, don’t let them push you around.
A Final Thought
I’ve used these techniques to help me overcome my feelings of anxiety, worry, mild depression and self-loathing.
Not all of these techniques will work all of the time, but at the very least attempting them will help you understand yourself a little better and, the more you practice, the more your self-awareness will improve, and this will help you deal more effectively with difficult situations in the future.
If you are suffering from moderate to severe instances of anxiety or depression, and same is affecting your ability to function properly or is negatively impacting your personal relationships / social interactions, I highly recommend that you consult a qualified professional (such as a psychologist or psychiatrist) who will be more effective at handling such cases.
I am not a medical professional, and this article is no substitute for expert advice or treatment. The opinions and ideas discussed herein are for informational purposes only and merely reflect my experiences and observations.
I hope that you have enjoyed this article, and have derived some benefit or insight that you didn’t have previously.
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