The Problem

One of the biggest obstacles preventing us from doing what we would love to do or being happy and successful in our lives is the dysfunctional narrative we have manufactured surrounding other people, how we see them, as well as how, we believe, they perceive us.

Facing The Facts

It is an unavoidable fact of life that we will come into contact with, or otherwise be exposed to, other human beings on a regular basis.

Well, that is unless you have chosen to live a life of isolation on an island somewhere, and talking to coconuts is your idea of a good time.

But, since you are reading this, the above doesn’t apply to you and we shall continue under the assumption that you wish to adequately assimilate into society yet you suffer from social anxiety and/or identify with any of the points below:

1. You have never felt self-assured around others;
2. You felt invisible, ostracised or judged as a child;
3. You have never been able to summon the courage to speak or stand up for yourself;
4. You freeze up every time you need to approach a stranger, meet someone new or address a large crowd (especially when there is an element of expectation and the possibility of rejection, such as when the stranger you want to approach is attractive and you wish to ask for their number or when you need to give a presentation in a room full of people whose eyes are all on you).
5. You feel misunderstood or alone;
6. You are constantly overwhelmed by your emotions when around other people; and
7. You find yourself incapable of coping with conflict, confrontation and humiliation; tightening up and cringing whenever a situation gets even slightly heated or uncomfortable.

The Gold Standard

We also engage in destructive comparisons; our happiness contingent upon how favourably we fare against other people on a scale of our own creation.

We consider those who score higher than us on this scale ‘superior’ and those who do the best become the ‘gold-standard’ against which we judge ourselves and others.

You see, we criticise those on our level or below (according to the above scale) as being ‘inferior’ and chastise ourselves just as harshly as them; because, in our minds, everyone who does not meet the ‘gold-standard’ is a failure.

And, so, for every moment we ‘don’t measure up’, we are simply not ‘good enough’, not worthy of praise and, accordingly, deserve to be judged by others as we do ourselves.

This cycle of comparison eventually culminates in us becoming deeply insecure as we always seem to find someone better than us in one way or another. 

Perfection becomes the name of the game, as we overestimate the amount of people in the world who meet our ‘gold-standard’ requirement or will judge us for not meeting it and, therefore, we procrastinate ever working towards anything because that would just expose our incompetence and reveal how inferior we actual are.

Saving Face

We convince ourselves that we can retain at least a shred of dignity if we just never draw attention to ourselves and this often results in the following issues:

1. We shut off from the world and avoid people altogether (reclusive behaviour);
2. We become dejected by our inability to just be authentic or depressed because we have prevented ourselves from doing so many things due to our so-called ‘consideration’ of other people;
3. We cause ourselves major unnecessary stress and anxiety in our desperate attempts to satisfy people (much to our detriment and dismay);
4. We develop negative attitudes and limiting beliefs about our worth and capabilities; and/or
5. We end up becoming bitter and resentful at the world because we have procrastinated our whole lives due to not being ‘good enough’ to do anything; which is a self-fulfilling prophecy since, in order to become proficient at something, we must first start with not knowing everything about it, which we are unwilling to endure in view of the fact that other people will see and judge our deficiencies.